We just finished our first Rock Haven Renewal, woman’s healing retreat and it was fabulous!  I am so reaffirmed and grateful to see the changes I’ve made personally take place and be put into action. I didn’t have a lot of expectations personally for the weekend, but I knew I was going to show up and lean in, and I did.  I allowed what came up to percolate through me and will continue to release some things I didn’t have time to just sit with and release. I’ve always had a hard time ‘being me’ or showing myself around others, this has been a huge part of my journey; learning how to do so, feeling comfortable and pushing past those fears.  This weekend reaffirmed the work I have already done in that area and pushed me to reveal even more of myself.

The dynamics of the group created an amazing safe and brave space, the women all pushed themselves out of their comfort zones and opened to the possibility of growth.  I felt so comfortable leading by example with no judgments of myself, and I felt no judgments coming from others, until I got home.  I started to feel pings of guilt, like I had done something wrong, pangs of fear, like I was going to be hurt for being so vulnerable.  I sat with these for a moment as I was journaling and quickly realized that they were not mine anymore.  They used to be such a huge part of my existence, every time I would show myself I’d feel vast amounts of fear and guilt.  I’d think of the ways that I had possibly hurt or offended others and it would send me in a tail spin of trying to fix these perceived errors.

I realized as I was journaling how amazing it was that I didn’t feel those oppressive emotions anymore, that the feelings being projected at me were likely from spirits that used to be attracted to those feelings in me and were trying to create them in me again.  This was the first time I really could tell that these were not mine and they were not hooking into my emotions, they were familiar feelings which is what lead to the initial confusion, but they were not my feelings anymore.  Once I fully realized that and did not go down the familiar path of self punishment, revisiting every interaction and word I spoke to see who I could have offended and when, and trying then to fix it, they went away.  I know my heart and intentions which are coming more and more from a place of Love, and I know that other’s responses are theirs.  It is actually unloving of me to try to fix other’s problems and mitigate their true responses, it takes away their power to feel and heal. I feel I have fully learned that lesson in love, both the love of self and the love of others, and it is so wonderful!

I feel I had another break through on the weekend, I was able to speak the truth of my true purpose in life; to seek the spiritual and help others do the same.  It was such a profound act of will for me to speak my truth through my tears of terror and tears of relief. There is still a lot of sadness within me that I need to release at not being able to do that in the past, all the feelings of shame, separation, being wrong and so on that accompanied my self expression, but breaking through that in the present and opening those flood gates was amazing.  Now I just have to let those old feelings flow through me and release.

I have had a few times in my healing progress these last years where I am laughing and crying.  I feel the joy of the release and the gift of the process.  This happened when I was able to claim the truth that I am here to talk about and learn about God, to build my relationship with God and help others do the same.  I shared this in the circle, acknowledging the challenging fact that so many people have injuries and errors around the word God, the being God, that talking about it triggers strong responses.  It felt so amazing afterwards.  The massiveness of that act with the reaffirmation of the physical laughing/cry solidified the profound shift within.  I was just beaming from that for 2 days.  It felt like coming home, or cleaning off the porch at least.  making ‘home’ an accessible place even if there are still emotions locked within, this layer is cleared.

This weekend really solidified my desire to work with people who want to heal and explore their inner landscape, to help sort out the false beliefs from the truth, the pain from the possibility, and the layers of emotions from the true self.  I have such a strong belief that the only way we are going to heal this world is if we heal ourselves, and each layer we release and each new truth we learn increases the possibility of helping the whole of our Earth and all the beings who reside on it.