I used to let fear run my life.  I walked around terrified all of the time and the times I wasn’t terrified, I was pretending or so deep in addiction I did not realize the fear I was in.  I didn’t even realize most of the time, that it was actually fear that I was feeling. It was such a familiar sensation, it was my ‘normal’.  I was too scared in fact to even start on my healing journey as I’ve written about in other posts, but with the help of my loved ones I started to learn that I didn’t have to live in that state. I was not aware it was fear, I thought it was just depression, but the truth was I had suppressed so many of my feelings that I was depressed, but the fear is what lead me to suppress them and kept me working tirelessly to avoid feeling. As I walked down the healing path I began to release emotions and open to how I was really feeling, I began to see what a massive role fear played in my life.  It guided every one of my decisions and I didn’t want to honor fear as my god anymore so I began to learn how to confront that fear.

What a journey!  Confronting fear is scary, go figure, fear feels scary, that is the emotion, but it is just an emotion and we were designed to feel it like any other emotion. I started by taking baby steps, for each of us what we fear will be different and how we confront it will be our own.  For me, I started to confront my terror of being seen.  In order to do this, I had to be seen which meant I had to speak up.  So, I started speaking up in different situations, feeling my face flush, my heart pound, my mouth go dry, just feeling and accepting the way my body was processing that emotion and continuing to speak.  I tried not to judge it or myself.  I learned that I could speak up, even if what I was saying was not accepted.  I learned I could confront that fear and the next time it would be easier. Now, as I write about this, I realize how completely that fear is gone in the situations that I had confronted my fear.  I am able to speak the truth with love and not with fear, but there are still situations where I had not confronted that fear that I am working on.

Most of the fears I am dealing with lately are related to my fear of feeling those old stuck emotions and some of those old emotions are old stuck fears, so there seems to be layers of fears.  The largest one I keep plugging away with is my fear of being overwhelmed by the emotion, my fears that I can’t handle them, that I will be destroyed by ‘going there’ which usually results in my refusal to open up to them and my choice to honor the fear.  I am slowly working through that.  I find that it is not a linear process where I just work on one thing and follow that line through to the core to release, it seems more like a tangle of strings that lead me from one set of emotions to others, one set of false beliefs to others. When I think of my fear of being seen, one aspect of that was my fear of speaking the truth, or speaking up at all, and within that aspect there were many different flavors: speaking up to women, speaking up at work, speaking up to men and so on.  I know that I am progressing in the untangling as my life is changing, my reactions, my emotions, my desires, and my motivations are changing, and I still have not untangled it all.  I have untangled my fears of speaking up at work, I have untangled much of my fears of speaking up with women, but some still remain and I am working on untangling my fears of speaking up with men.

Many of my fears are wrapped around the false beliefs that I am unlovable and unworthy. If we look at FEAR as False Expectations Appearing Real, then I had the false expectation that no one could love me and I lived in the reality of that belief, it appeared real to me.  I have worked through many layers of these, related to women and how they perceive me, related to work and being able to share what I have to offer, but I had not yet worked on those related to men and how they perceive me.  So, as we entered into our COVID isolation I happened to have a male friend staying at my place.  Usually I am a hermit, living alone in the middle of nowhere, but as the laws of attraction would have it, during the longest isolation, I have a man in my space, what a perfect time to face some of those old fears.

I have been quite dedicated to healing my emotional injuries and errors for quite some time now.  I have been practicing many of the actions I suggested in the last post on “dealing with fear” for all of my emotions, not just fear and I have been feeling the freedom of release.  This process is amazing and almost self sustaining as it creates such joy and peace and builds so much faith in our own abilities to heal.  So when offered the opportunity to face and work through old emotions that arose I took it.  It has been hard, a lot of work and ridiculously rewarding.

I know that when my anger starts to rise that I have to really stop and be honest with myself.  I know that there are emotions within me that I am not wanting to see or feel and so I act out defensively.  This happened A LOT at the beginning of our isolation.  It took me a long while to build enough desire to see the truth behind the anger.  I don’t deal with anger well, it is not something that I learned how to express either positively or negatively, it is something that I learned how to suppress, stew and allow to come out in passive aggressive ways, so it took some time to even recognize that I had this anger and then it took time to realize that it was really covering up old hurts and false beliefs.  Whenever I felt rejected anger would rise, I would start beating myself up internally, calling myself names, judging myself, and generally stewing in self loathing. This would also bubble up and out as passive aggression where I would notice everything that he wasn’t doing ‘right’ and stew on that, not say anything or addressing it, but stewing on it.  I felt confused and trapped as I knew projecting anger at others was not loving and even though some of the things I was stewing about were valid, I knew I could not address them without anger so I had to deal with that first and I didn’t know how.

In the beginning I was terrified of speaking up to a man, of sharing what was going on honestly and vulnerably without the shield of anger to protect me, without the comfortable tactics of hiding away keeping me safe, but I did it.  I’d fumble through the truth of what I was feeling (sort of, still so scared to speak the truth I couldn’t even think it through the fear at times), I’d share my process, my thoughts and what I was learning. I’d feel the fear coursing though me, my mouth going dry, my thoughts drifting away, my heart pounding, I’d acknowledge the fear and continue as much as I could.  Speaking up was only one step in the process, once I did, I often had to retreat to my room and let go of all the emotion that was trapped by that fear as well as the fear itself and I’d cry it out. It felt like a relief and often there was great joy and pride that I did it. It was usually then that I’d get some insight into why I was angry or I’d be able to access the hurt that the anger was covering up and I’d sit with the emotion until it ceased to flow.

I spent a lot of time each day out on the land talking out what I was feeling, being angry with the process or the situation or with God for making it that way. I’d talk to nature and rant and release, access my emotions and let them flow.  I’d journal each morning with the intention of opening to the truth and connecting with those stuck emotions, and I’d cry a lot as I released the layers.  The cycle repeated itself again and again.  Feeling rejected, anger, lashing out and/or in, retreat, feel, journal feel, walk, express, feel, share, confront fear, feel, retreat, feel, retreat, feel, retreat, feel. I didn’t want to feel those old feelings of rejection, the pain of not being wanted, the beliefs that took root of not being good enough, but my desire to do so kept growing and so every time the opportunity arose, I took it (eventually) and shaved off another layer.  It took a lot of courage and dedication and still does.  I am not through it, but it is not as scary any more and I have worked through a lot of the fear surrounding feeling these particular emotions.

One of my emotional addictions that I’ve clung to my entire life is self punishment.  When things were going wrong, say I was feeling rejected, instead of just feeling rejected I would resort to punishing myself, pointing out every physical thing that was bad about me, reaffirming my false beliefs that no one could love me anyways, and so on in the same vein. I would do this so I didn’t have to feel the feelings of being rejected, I preferred to feel angry at myself and so, I could not heal. As I increased my desire to just soften to the feeling of rejection (which was an old feeling that was triggered) I would be mean to myself less and less.  It sucked to feel those old hurts, it sucks to feel rejected to feel worthless and unwanted, but those emotions were in me and it sucked more to hold onto them, act out of them and let them guide my life.  I have a growing faith that surrendering to the feeling of those old hurts releases them once and for all and at the end, peace exists, real peace, not a contrived peace, but real peace and that is so amazing.

I am thankful daily for this forced isolation time. I have the time to dedicate to thinking, journaling, feeling, practicing, pushing, feeling. I have the continued opportunity to become aware of my triggers, to react, to observe, to heal and to repeat as needed.  I have the fortune to have someone here who is accepting of me going through this cycle who continues to be himself, triggering me and not just trying to placate me or to make us both more ‘comfortable’. I am grateful for all the gifts that have been given during these crazy times even though some of them are really hard to accept.

This feels like boot camp in a way. In my normal life I might have an interaction once a month that triggers me and I go through the process over the month to work it out.  Now, it is almost daily.  It is hard, but it is worth it! I feel changes within these past 6 weeks that may have taken months or years for me to confront.  I’ve noticed changes in my thought patterns, in my self punishment (which is next to nothing now), in my acceptance of myself, and in my willingness to speak the truth as I see it whether or not it is easy. I had to confront my fear to get here.  Fear is a capping emotion that has to be felt to be released, that can be felt and released.  It opens up the flow of other emotions that once felt can be released for good and allow for real change to settle in.

There is no quick fix, it is messy and not always easy, but it is worth it and there are so many wonderful people out there who can help you on your way. At first we often need help to build our commitment to ourselves and our dedication to feeling those things we have been avoiding all of our lives.  I know I spent decades working with a variety of different healers and therapists to help me on my journey.  I am fortunate enough to come from a family of healers who offer a variety of supports. Feel free to check them out at tozeland.com.

Take care of yourself and each other, be kind and gentle with yourselves and each other, be honest and loving with yourselves and each other.  Thanks so much for engaging.
Sage