Life has been challenging these past couple of months.  I am on a journey to open to my old pain, hurt, shame, and false beliefs and to feel them through to release.  I keep hoping it will take me far less time than it actually is, but I feel rewarded with each step of the process.  Since I have been praying to connect to these dark emotions I have been getting opportunities, or triggers, or shitty experiences, or probably exactly what I need to help me to connect.  At times I am angry and frustrated that it feels so hard and long and lonely, and I just try to open up to those feelings too.  I am learning to be present with whatever feelings arise in me, to soften to them and allow the discomfort.  It is challenging as I have so many self preservation patterns and habits that help me get out of my feelings, but I am working through those too.

This Christmas season has been especially hard, I don’t like Christmas to begin with, but I do love my family so that makes it much more bearable.  I am blessed to be in a family who all in their own ways are working towards being more loving, truthful and open in the world.  They all work on their own emotions, try not to project on to others and work on accepting each other.  I feel strange sometimes working on my dark emotions, acknowledging my hurts and false beliefs because compared to most families in our world I have an amazing one, but I remind myself that regardless of how progressive, open and loving my family is, we all have our injuries and errors we operate out of and we pass those along.

Right before Christmas break the man I am in love with pulled away again and left me with an opportunity to work through the emotions that decision triggered in me.  It was an especially difficult time to try to stay with my emotions when there were so many social engagements with family and friends and so little time to feel the well of grief that was rising in me.  As with all experiences, the grief I was feeling did not originate with this rejection, it was simply compounded by it, triggered by it, therefore creating the opportunity to feel it out of me.  I tried as much as I could within the confines of the season and my own injuries, false beliefs (errors) and fears (errors) to open to this pain and face the uncomfortable emotions I’ve tried to run from my entire life.

This process left me with a feeling of separation from everyone else, partly because I did not share my grief, partly because I was not seeking the pleasure and comfort that the Christmas season is designed to fulfill, and partly because I know that my approach to life is vastly different than most.  I have felt loneliness all of my life, at first not even accepting myself or wanting to be with myself, then to an beginning awareness of ‘ME’ and who I am, to a growing understanding of myself, my desires, my passions, and my beliefs.  At every stage I have felt alone, first because I pushed everyone else away and only offered what I knew they wanted from me, then as I was beginning to discover myself I offered up facade after facade to try to create this person I wanted to be and finally, to this messy, confused, seeking person I am now, trying to be honest, humble to my emotions, and loving to myself and everyone else.  I realized that this path I am on is not one that is well trodden, that there are not many who choose to approach life in this way and I am not willing to compromise the truth I am discovering so I can ‘fit in’, feel accepted and feel less lonely.

I had been questioning my choices, the validity of my beliefs, the pain of being so far out of the ‘norm’ and what I could do about it.  Every time I think about it, I get to the same place – it is me, I need to continue to be me, I need to continue to feel these uncomfortable, hard and painful feelings that arise until they are gone from me, I cannot deny who I am, pretend, or compromise for anyone’s comfort.  So, Christmas finally ended and I was able to retreat to my home in the country and settle into myself fully.  I was gifted a book by my awesome sister – the title of this blog – and have been profoundly affected by it so far.  It reassured me that my journey was not selfish, crazy or insane, that ‘braving the wilderness’ of my internal self was a noble pursuit.  I’ve always felt somewhere deep inside that it was valid, but there is not a lot of support for that kind of action in our world and there has not always been a lot of confidence in me to embrace it.  Brown writes “what all wilderness metaphors have in common are the notions of solitude, vulnerability, and an emotional, spiritual, or physical quest”, I would argue that it be an emotional, spiritual AND physical quest.

The rest of her title “the quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone” resonate so deeply in me.  She explains true belonging as belonging to oneself, to standing proudly and strongly in one’s true self and enjoying the power that comes from that.  She takes the reader on a eloquent journey to that conclusion, it is well worth the read.  At this place in my life, where I am craving companionship, honest sharing, feedback and reflection, it is nice to be reminded of the ‘true belonging’ that does not require others to do or be something for me, that only requires me to do and be ME, which in itself is a challenging but worthwhile pursuit.  It was very nice to have the reassurance, and support to continue to forge through this wilderness, reap the benefits and hopefully help humanity.

I am following this path for me and my growth, but I am also doing so in order to help others follow their paths to themselves.  It is only when we can discover our true selves that we will be able to truly be happy and help others to discover their true selves.  I believe God’s universes are set up this way, to lovingly guide us towards Truth and Love, it is our choice whether to work with the Laws of the Universe or not, to accept the help or not, to face the dark emotions and discomfort or not, ultimately to accept Truth and Love or not.  I believe, we all eventually will, it is just a matter of when we have the desire to start.

My teachers on this path are Jesus and Mary who present their teachings at divinetruth.com

Disclaimer – although the words God, Jesus, and Mary have been appropriated by religion, this is not how I use these words, or refer to these souls.